What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

We were not on the streets..

I don,t even have a pension.

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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

But it wasn’t much.

Why upsc is considered the toughest exam in the whole world?

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

What are some sad truths about life?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

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Who then, do I blame.?

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

So whats the point in blame.

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I will be 64.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

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I couldn’t, believe it.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Why is my older sister so mean to me as if I was her enemy?

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Especially a lifetime of it.

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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

We all went to grammer schools

I was seconnd youngest,

As i do to all so called friends.?

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

She wouldn,t have been !

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I write beautiful poetry .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She found it foreign!.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

So, i spoilt her more .

(And it was in our own minds.)

It was going to be , some day.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

On the 31st of Jan this month .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

One cannot live in the past .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

She married twice! .

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I have no regrets .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Would this be the day?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

She was in good health!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

This is soul school!.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Ive learnt so much.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Comes on , in middle age.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I was scared of men, in general

My family never makes their pension either.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Put me off passion for life!!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I was very sick at this time too.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

This is how, and why children get BPD.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I said to her

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

All the time i was locked up.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I waited trembling.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

What did i know ?

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

My life is so biszare .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Im still living with it.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

And i lived it daily.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I had hoped to write a book about this .

But, we were locked up after school.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I could never make a relationship work though!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I think the readers, may guess!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

She loved him until the end.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I was 9 years of age.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He knew the spot.

When she asked me how she looked .

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.